Penis Names

While at a party I accidentally infiltrated a room full of boys. The conversation had moved to naming one’s penis – apparently a common practice among college aged men. The boys at first expressed regret that I had found out about this secretive practice, and in fact seemed ashamed. I convinced them to explain the phenomenon.

According to this room full of informants, boys will name their penises around the age they begin to establish their sexuality. This first name is not necessarily permanent or even acknowledged by the boys explicitly (one informant said he would never say the name of his penis out loud). After this initial naming of the penis with the onset sexuality and adulthood, the penis begins to take on an identity. One informant described finding a proper penis name much like, “getting a sick band name, or naming your puppy”, implying that the name came from the penis’ own characteristics and identity and required a lot of thought. After they became sexually active (with others), and especially after established relationships the penis name would be more concrete and permanent. By the time they were college-aged the penis had an established personality expressed by its jealously guarded special name.

The informants, all being college students, could not confirm whether this practice was as common outside of college culture, but they strongly believed so. They told me about friends back home who also named their penises – most of them were also college students, but some were not and they vouched for their equal enthusiasm for naming penises.  It seems the early age of first naming penises would imply that it is likely to occur regardless of the college atmosphere, although a male camaraderie seemed to be an integral part of the naming practice. One informant let me know I was only the third woman to know his penis’ name, and the only he did not tell after sex. However, most of the guys in the room seemed to already know each other’s penis names and there was less discomfort in sharing with each other than with me.

The development of male sexuality and owning said sexuality also seems to have a lot to do with the practice of naming one’s penis. As these men become more intimate with their own penises they seem to want to name them. One informant said his penis was like his “buddy” and a name seemed necessary for those times he felt the need to address his penis as though it was it’s own person.

Here are some examples collected:

The Swordfish

Vladi (The Impaler)

DJ (“Spin that Shit”)

The Yellow Submarine

Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock

The Hammer (Of The Gods)

The Thinking Man

The Hulk

Monty Python’s Holy Grail

How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Master Bates

Senor Balzac

Clip Tip Dave and His Cheeky Darkies

One informant refused to tell me his penis’ name, but did tell me he had named his testicles: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater and Col Wilkins (R-L).