Blue Moon Cafe Joke New York
Lucy: Okay so this is the most epic and important joke youll ever hear in your lifetime. Its hilarious, youll laugh, youll cry, youll want to hear it again. I need your full attention and I need you to just go along. You ready? Ok lets do this thing.
Theres this guy, right? And hes really stressed out, like imagine the most stressed out youve ever been your whole, entire lifeyou doing it?
Lucy: Okay, hes that stressed out, like, times a-fillion. Ok so he decides to take a vacay, so um, he goes to his boss, first, and hes like Hey, boss-man! Whats up!? Whats happening? Listen, I think Im gonna take a vacay. I think Im gonna go to the Bahamas
And the boss was like, Oh, the Bahamas! The Bahamas are great! Oh thats wonderfuloh hey listen, though, while youre in the Bahamas, theres one thing you can never do, okay? And thats go to the Blue Moon Cafe.
And the guys like, Um, okay. Whatever. So he goes home to his wife and hes like, Oh hey, Wifey-Baby! Whats shakin bacon? Listen, I think Im gonna take a vacay, to the Bahamas…without you. You know, kind of time to rekindle the love.
And, um, and the wife was like, Oh, okay, um, that sounds cool! Listen. Listen, while youre there, the one thing you must never-ever-ever do, is go to the Blue Moon Cafe. And the guys like Okay, two people have told me this, fine, I wont, thats really random. And strange, but okay. So he decides that, like, um, that, uh, by the time he gets back from the Bahamas hes gonna be all tan and fit cause they, like, eat cockroaches there and stuff. Then hes gonna need a new suit, for when he gets back. So he goes for his tailor before he leaves, Mr. Sketchy-Pants. Hes like, Ey, Mr. SketchyPants! I need a suit because Im gonna be all tan, and fit, and lean when I get back from the Bahamas
And the tailors like [measuring movements], Oh! The Bahamas! The Bahamas are great! [GASP] The Bahamas! Oh listen, dude, listen [acquires English accent]. The one thing you must never-ever-ever do, is go [laughs], is go to the Blue Moon Cafe, are you listening to me?
And the guys like, Okay, fine. So he gets on the airplane, right? [airplane motions] And hes watching the stewardess do this [points to exits], and, you know, do this [puts oxygen mask on], and hes flying over the deep blue sea, and, um, while hes in the air, every single hotel and cafe in the Bahamas burns to the ground. Ftssssss [sound of incinerating buildings], like burns to the ground. Like, what are the odds of that happening!? Like, youre more likely to get hit by lightening 49 times consecutively while holding different flavors of, like, Ben & Jerrys, um, than for that to happen. Its just not feasible! Like in the whole universe, that cannot fucking happen, but it did! Freaking happen [looks at me].
Okay, so. So the guy gets off the plane. Um, he gets laid by a couple of nativesthey put leis on him. Um, mhm, small chuckle. And, uh, hes like, Shit! Where am I going to stay? Um, because everythings burned to the ground. And then he sees, like, this red walkway, and a silver awning, and a beam of light shines through a cloud and angels are going, Ahhhh!!! [singing] and he sees a little sign that says Blue Moon Cafe. So hes like, You know what? Ill stay here for a couple days, if I hate it, Ill go home.
He stays there for two weeks, he loves it. He has the best food ever, he loses weight, though. He has sex every night with random prostitutes who just present themselves to him. Hes religiously, spiritually enlightened. He just, he, uh, uh, learns to play the sitar. Hes just having the best time ever. So he goes back home. He flies back home. First, he goes to his boss. He says, Boss-man!! Wazzupp!? Listen, dude, you know whats weird is I went to the Blue Moon Cafe and it wasnt bad like you told me it would be.
And his boss was like, What!? You went to the Blue Moon Cafe!? Youre fired! He fired his ass right on the spot and he gets the security guard to throw him out of the building and hes like, If you ever return here, so help me God, Ill pop a cap in your ass.
Um, so the guy goes home to his wife, all befuddled, and hes like, Wifey-baby, I just got fired for going to the Blue Moon Cafe! And the wifes like, WHAT!? You went to the Blue Moon Cafe!? What did I tell you!? Im divorcing you right now! She has the papers all ready, he signs them. She burns all the clothes, including the one, stuff, the ones on his body, sends him out onto the street with nothing. Hes now jobless, wifeless, naked, severely burntjust all kinds of crap is happening to him. So he goes to Mr. Sketchypants to get his suit so he can not be naked anymore.
Hes like, Mr. Sketchypants, I just got divorced, fired, and burnt for going to the Blue Moon Cafe. I dont know why. His tailor is like, WHAT!? [French accent] You went to the Blue Moon Cafe!? Sacre bleu! Whats wrong with you!? Im charging you for this! And um, um he rips up his suit and sends him out into the street.
And the guy, hes like wandering around. So he decides to look for religious enlightenment so they can tell him what happened. So he goes to his local priest, Father BillyBob, and hes like, Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned [praying hand motions], but, um, heh, I went to the Blue Moon Cafe and everyones mad at me. And the priest was like Oh my God! You went to the Blue Moon Cafe! Oh, get out of here right nowif I werent a man of God, Id strike you down with…a hammer [hammer motion].
So he goes to a Protestant dude and hes like, Oh please help me, tell me what happened! And they try to kill him too. He goes to a Jewish rabbi, a Hindu…person, and, um, no one will tell him what he did wrong. So finally, he hears tell of this one Buddhist monk on top of Mount Kilomanfufu, that will tell him the answer of anything he asks. So he climbs [climbing motions]. It takes him 13 days and nine hours and three seconds and he climbs the top of the mountain, and, uh, he kneels before the monk and is like, Please, God, I…Im going to kill myself if you dont tell me why the Blue Moon Cafe is so bad.
And the guys like, Ok, you know what, I will, I, eh, I will tell you [laughs] but first I have to purify my soul for what I am about to impart upon you. So they row out the middle of this big lake [rowing motions] in a rowboat, and, um, and the guy, the monk, prays for 10 hours. So finally he stands up [stands up] in the boat, and hes like, The reason why everyone is mad at you for going to the Blue Moon Cafe is
And this huge wave comes [sweeping wave motion] and knocks him overboard, and the moral of the story is, dont stand up in boats.
This joke has been the bane of my existence for the past year. As it is Lucys signature joke, she tells it to every new person she meets. And as I am always around Lucy, I have now heard it more than I can count. The first time I heard it, I hated it, and each consecutive time thereafter, I hated it more because it had no point. However, after sitting and transcribing each word of the joke, I now realize why Lucy loves it so much. Because it follows a set basic formula, the speaker has the freedom to add many details and silly side points in between the important parts. Each time Lucy tells the joke, it changes subtlythis time, she added accents, and despite being horrendous, they actually added humor to the joke. I must admit, despite my hatred of this joke, I cant complain about it being redundant. Her constantly changing antics keep it engaging even though I know, and hate, how it ends. This is the most important part of performing a long piece like thisthe ability to change it up and keep peoples attention.
Lucy learned a different version of this joke in 2002 in Saratoga, New York. To this, she added her own personal jokes and details. She has even created a Facebook group entitled, 30 minutes of my life I will never get back again… in which every one of her victims, I mean, listeners, can rant about the pointlessness of the joke.
In the end, this joke is not really a jokeits a prank. Lucy is the only one who actually gets amused in the end because she was able to fool everyone. The audience instead of being rewarded with a punch line, are left high-and-dry to suffer. This makes them want to make others suffer, and thus, the Blue Moon Cafe is spread.