Author Archives: Michael McBride

Blonde, Brunette and Redhead on the Run

There’s a blonde, brunette and a redhead. And they’re trying to.. um… break out of jail. So they all jump over, like, the big wall. But then once they’re over they this fence, they see a security guard coming towards them. And then so this see this line of trash cans, and they’re like alright, we can each fit in one of them. And they’re all hiding in the trashcans and the security guard comes over and hits each trash can with his baton. And the first one he hits has the blonde in it, and she goes meow meow meow. And the security goes “looks like just a cat”. And he hits the one with the brunette in it and she barks and he got son “looks like a cat”. And then he hits the one with the redhead in it, and she says “I’m a weasel.”

 

This is funny because redheads are dumb!

 

The person who told me this is gay, lower income, and went to an art school. Therefore, I believe that this is an attempt to flip the traditional blonde joke to represent something a bit more marginalized, as he feels.

Dunking for Luck

Every time you eat any kind of cookies with tea, you had to dunk at least once and say “Good luck”.

 

I don’t know where it comes from, but dunking a cookie into tea is good luck. When eating a cookie with a beverage, it is bad luck not to dunk at least once. My mother would say she was “dunking for good luck” and that her father did it too. But I only remember it with tea.

 

Her father was English so it might have had something to do with the tea. Because tea and the tea industry is supposed to have such positive connotations in England, maybe this is a subconscious way of developing and maintaining those positive connotations as an extension of British cultural identity in America.

Uncle Eddie at Sea

When I was a kid, I always heard a story about an uncle that fell asleep in the ocean and drifted out into the sea. He went for a swim in a tire thing, you know? And he went too far out in the ocean. And fell asleep. And he was never heard from again.

 

It was my Great Aunt’s first husband. If memory serves me right, my Mom thought it was the story but there was a lot more to it. They told it to the kids so they wouldn’t swim too far out in the ocean. We’d hear it whenever we went to the beach, “Don’t go too far out, remember Uncle Eddie.”

 

This both serves as a cautionary tale to prevent children from going out too far into the ocean and a clever way to disguise her Aunt’s probable divorce or other such thing you wouldn’t want to talk to kids about. But telling them that he drifted out to sea, it serves a practical purpose and help her avoid the awkwardness of actually explaining to children why her husband left her.

Dog Placebo in India

There was this tour group of mostly Americans touring India in the early 60’s. And most of them were middle aged people, some retirees. And they um, they were going to see what the real rural villages were like. And when they got to one of the rural villages in Northwest india the people there were expecting the tour bus, and they put out food for the people on the bus. The people didn’t want to offend the villagers, but at the same time the figured the food was sitting out in hundred degree heat with no refridgeration. And so they watched a little boy sneak some of the food and give it to his dog, and the dog eagerly ate the whole thing, whatever the boy had in his hand. So the people surmised that if the dog ate the food, it should be alright. And so everyone chowed down, ate the food and enjoyed it. And about an hour and a half later, while they were sitting underneath in the shade of a tree digesting their meal and feeling good about life, the little boy came back into the village, crying that his dog had just died. The people looked at eachother, and all of a sudden they started feeling queasy, and a lot of them were saying “I told you so”. And then one of the people started throwing up. And soon several people were throwing up. And before too long, almost every member of the tour group was clutching their bellies with either vomiting or diarrhea or both. The tour bus operator actually got on the bus and drove the buss to the next village so he could notify the police who in turn notified the army. And within about another tow hours, the people were now deathly ill, all were sick, and the army came with medics and helicopters to the village, and started IVs and put some of the people on stretchers. And one of the doctors that was investigating was filling out a sheet about what happened- taking samples and everything. And the investigating officer asked where the dog was to the little boy. And the boy said the dog was about a mile down the road in a ditch. And the investigating officer asked him how it got in the ditch. And he said “That’s where the dog crawled to after he got hit by the car.”

 

This shows how powerful the mind is. Your mind can make a heaven or a hell out of circumstances. Nothing to do with facts. Or, it doesn’t necessarily. I first heard it in the early 60’s.

 

I think this is a combination of anxiety about India as more people started travelling there in the 60’s, and the counterculture belief that arose with the drug use and attitude of the 60’s that the mind can do anything. It reminds me a lot of the ‘Mexican Rat’ story in certain aspects.

La Sigunaba

La Siguanaba—basically, she’s like, she comes out and she’s like, a beautiful woman and they she like kills you. There’s this story where this guy was close to a river, and she was on the other side of the river, and he sees her and sees her face, and then she killed him.

 

We’d hear about it when your parents were telling you not to go out alone and talk to strangers.

 

I think that this is a classic cautionary tale– but more importantly, it comes from a predominantly Catholic community. The fact that she is beautiful is very significant. I think it is a tale to keep people chaste- warning against the dangers of sex.