Tag Archives: relationships

Burning Matches Ritual

Main Piece:

Me: “Tell me about this ritual with matches.”

KY: …How is stumbled upon it is, haha, through TikTok. But I know that there is history of that idea of reflecting your past relationships through matches or through fire, specifically. And, using the wood part as like the remains of what is left of the relationship. And so, I decided to do this… To reflect on my past relationship with another person…

…Essentially, you would take two matches. You would set them on anything… But, uhm you would set them like a few inches apart, and you would light them both at the same time… And you would just let the story unfold, the burning unfold. And the results would be a reflection of [that] relationship.

[He now reflects upon one time he performed the ritual.]

…And what I reflect from it is a relationship where, there was both passion in both… In my side, it burnt out. The passion was gone, but it was still lingering. And their passion lasted longer… There’s a little bit of an attachment to me whereas I had it less… Their passion ended a little after mine… How I perceive it… I was the one to go first… and then they stopped talking… I still had feelings.

Context:

Taken from a conversation told in Cale & Irani Apartments in the USC Village. Between me and my suitemate.

Analysis:

This seems to come from a spiritual practice, and people have historically used fire as a way of reflection on the past or for a severance of it. My informant not only uses the practice introspectively, but he uses them as a symbol for him and other people in his life. He had witnessed the practice first through TikTok and had began using it in his spare time, a way of dealing with emotions. It’s interesting to me just how different the practice is for each individual; he/she can interpret the same exact outcome in completely different ways due to their own preconceived notions and the reality they wish to believe in. With the burning matches, we how people use folklore practices as a way of connecting with other people in their lives, this time on a spiritual level.

Main Piece: “Just because there is a goalie in the net, does not mean that you can’t score a goal”

Background: This is a saying that the informant learned from her friends at summer camp when she was in grade school. She attended a co-ed summer camp and as a way to keep themselves entertained, the kids would have crushes and say they were dating just because they held hands on the way to the dining hall one night. Because they were at summer camp and playing sports, the kids would say this proverb as a way to indicate that even if your crush had was in a relationship with some else, it did not mean you were out of luck or didn’t have a shot. 

Context: the informant still uses this proverb in her 20s, but the intention behind the saying has changed. When at summer camp, the campers did not realize in their youth that ‘homewrecking’ is socially unacceptable. They saw were so immersed in the competitive culture of camp that a sports metaphor for the romantic and social elements of life there seemed fitting. Now, the informant uses this phrase as more of a mocking joke. She will say it to one of her friends if they see a cute guy, but he happens to be in a relationship. She does not expect her friend to take the saying seriously or act on the meaning. It is interesting how the significance of this proverb has shifted from adolescence to adulthood. At camp, the kids were genuinely encouraging fighting for their crush, even if it meant hurting someone else; now, we can tease our friends in the same context, but with different intentions.

Thoughts: I have heard this saying outside of the informant’s interview and I have always found it to be humorous and I suppose true, but not something to take seriously. What I find interesting about this proverb, in particular, is that it is dependent on interpretation. The person listening to this word of advice can either hear it as ridiculous and funny or they can take it to heart and cause issues. The impact that his proverb has left the listener as an amused audience member or a person who is about to really damage someone else’s relationship. It is very black and white how this saying is received and depends greatly on who is hearing it- as well as their age, sex, and willingness to take charge versus be passive.

The Brown Helmet

Text:

Informant (R): Yeah the KA’s had a tradition, we called the Brown Helmet, um, we had a travelling trophy that was awarded to the last person that got dumped by a date or a girlfriend. Uh and it was a brown army helmet. The reason it was brown or was called the Brown Helmet, or why it was appropriate was because you had been shat on by your girlfriend or your date who dumped you. So you know if you were unlucky enough to have the brown helmet, you were just waiting for someone to get dumped so you could give it back to them. Yeah, so we had that.

Collector (J): Was that something you learned during pledging (initiation)?

R: No, it was even before, because we lived in the house and we hadn’t gone through hell week or any of those things yet and you know I got, shit, I probably got the Brown Helmet before I was an active actually.

Context: The informant was recalling his experience as a fraternity brother in college. He is remembering his time there and the traditions celebrated as his child goes through the pledging process.

Analysis: The Brown Helmet is a way of expressing the recent loss of a relationship in a humorous way, encouraging brothers to be open about their experiences. The fact that every individual has the potential to wear the helmet also allows for a sense of solidarity for those who currently have the helmet, as they can seek advice from previous recipients. At the same time, it shows other brothers to be more sympathetic to the wearers of the hat. However, this could also make the wearers more likely to be teased for being “dumped.” Regardless, the sentiment behind the color brown certainly shows the negative attitude and stigma around being broken up with. In a way, the brown army helmet shows that regardless of their relationship status, the brothers are able to fight through it and reclaim their identity as a bachelor.

Love from a distance

Background

The informant is a first generation Mexican-American student. She said that she spends a decent amount of time in Mexico still (she usually visits a couple weekends during the school year and goes for slightly longer periods during the summer). She visits a lot of family in Mexico, including her grandma, a lot of cousins, and aunts and uncles. Outside of Mexico itself, she has a lot of Mexican friends from growing up in the Los Angeles area.

Context

The informant described to me the first time she remembered hearing this proverb. She was talking with one of her friends (who is also Mexican) about her some problems she was having in her long distance relationship and her friend responded with this phrase. The informant described her friend’s tone as somewhat joking, but with real sentiment behind it. She said that she heard that phrase countless more times during the 9 months she was still in that relationship from various other Mexican friends and relatives.

Text

Amor de lejos amor de pendejos

Love from a distance is love for idiots

Thoughts

This proverb was obviously more significant to the informant because she was actually in a long distance relationship and this is something people would say to her quite often. I also thought it was interesting how this proverb seemed to lose something in translation. The original spanish rhymes and has a good flow to it, where the english phrase is somewhat awkward. I asked the informant if she would say this phrase to me in English (I don’t speak spanish) and she said that she would probably just avoid using the proverb if she couldn’t say it in spanish because “it won’t sound the same.” In this way, the proverb is a way of connecting her to fellow spanish speaking people

The standard rule of a relationship

“Uh so  the standard rule of a relationship is to never go to bed mad, uh which is one my parents like, and on e I really like too: never go to bed mad, because you don’t have fun you are asleep and you’re mad so you should hash out things or if you can’t hash out things completely, then you should take a break and have some ice cream or something, and everything’s going to be fine. Uh, in ballroom dancing, as well, though it’s not as common, I’d like you to think that if you are, uh, mad at your partner, then you do not want to end a practice mad, because then you are probably never going to practice again. Uh, you want to, well same thing as going to bed, only it’s not the bed thing, so if you and your partner get mad at each other, 1) stop it! That’s dumb. 2) You want to fix that and apologize to your partner, and 3) if it happens consistently, then you want to find a new partner because that’s not an ideal way to dance.”

 

The informant is a PhD student at the University of Southern California, studying linguistics. He is also a member—and next year’s president—of the University of Southern California’s Ballroom and Latin Dance Team. He specializes in the American Smooth dances (Waltz, Viennese Waltz, Tango, and Foxtrot), though also knows the International Latin dances and many social dances, like Hustle and Salsa. He has been in the USC Ballroom and Latin Dance Team for 2 years, and did ballroom dance at the University of Michigan for 2 years. He competes in the Silver and Gold level Smooth dances, and has placed highly in numerous competitions.

 

The saying “never go to bed angry” is common advice for any relationship. The reasoning behind it is that if you do not sort out the argument before you go to sleep, then it will only fester, and will eventually grow into the destruction of that relationship. Things may look better in the light of day, but each person would be less likely to sort out their issues the next day, and will just keep the anger bottled up inside. The informant also suggests that the argument cannot be sorted out right away, then take a break from the conversation, and eat some ice cream or something, but still come back to it before you go to sleep. This allows both people to calm down and look at things logically. The disagreement is more likely to be sorted out, then.

This folklore was collected after asking the informant about advice for new dance relationships. The informant learned this proverb from his parents, who probably heard it from their parents or their friends. It is a proverb because it never changes much, but is passed from person to person, and offers advice in a short catchy phrase.

The informant goes on to apply this common relationship advice to his ballroom dance partner relationship. Instead of “never go to bed angry,” it becomes “never end a practice angry.” The anger will be all you can remember about your partner, not how well you dance together, and it is much less likely that those partners will ever practice again.

The informant offers three pieces of advice in relation to this proverb. His first point is that you should not get mad at your partner in the first place. There are few reasons to get mad at your partner, and none of them should include their skill level. Never get mad at your partner for being unable to get a move, because there will come a time when you have trouble with a different move. If you do get mad at your partner, then you should calm down, explain why you are upset, then apologize to your partner for getting mad. Both partners are just doing their best and there should not be a reason to stay mad. However, if you do keep getting angry with your partner and they do not fix whatever the problem is when you tell them, then maybe it is time to switch dance partners, because it is very hard to dance well when you are upset, and no one wants to be angry all the time you are dancing.