Author Archives: Olivia Gardner

A Harry Potter Purim

Nationality: Jewish
Age: 19
Occupation: Student
Residence: USA
Primary Language: English

Informant:

On Purim, a Jewish holiday commemorating Ester and the rescue of the Jews in Babylon, people often recount the story of Ester, by reading it, reenacting it, or telling it.   In many cases, performers get creative, telling the story with a theme or adding jokes.  This particular Purim story was provided by Michelle Khazaryan, 19, a student at USC.  Michelle is a self-identified Jew, and she performed this monologue in front of a group in our apartment on Purim. She learned this particular version of the story from the youth rabbi at her synagogue.

Text:

Hi!  I’m Harry Potter and I am going to tell you all about the secret meaning behind all my adventures.  Those of you who have been reading about me no doubt have noticed that there is a deeper story going on that has yet to be told. Today, I am going to reveal all. All the wizards out there already know, but we may have to lay everything out for the muggles among us!

Let’s see if you can guess my secret. My parents are dead, I was raised by family, my true identity was kept secret. I went to live in an old castle where someone with great power protected me and watched over me. My arch enemy is: He Who Must Not Be Named….(boo, hiss!) Sound familiar to anyone? There were those who felt sorry for me, pitied me even. Every time I passed they would whisper, it must be ‘ard to be ‘arry. Poor ‘im, poor ‘im. But I was proud of who I was and what I did. I just did what I knew was right. In the end, everyone thought I was a hero. So I even got my own holiday—Poor ‘im!

Yes it is true. I must confess to you in all sincerity that my real name is not Harry Potter; it is actually Herschel Pottransky and I am a Jew. All of us wizards are Jewish. But my gruesome family who raised me, the Durslesteins, were embarrassed to be different from all of their neighbors. They assimilated and forgot who they were. They stopped being Jewish and they hoped they could prevent me from knowing all about my rich heritage too. They even changed my name in order to hide my true identity. But their evil plan couldn’t work for ever.

When I was eleven, the most exciting thing to ever happen to me took place. I received an air-mail letter. And when I say air-mail, I mean air-mail. This letter came by bird. Some say that it was an owl, but actually it was a Segal, a very Jewish bird, what else? I was invited to go to cheder and attend the most prestigious and famous of Jewish institutions of higher learning: ChazerSchwartz Academy of Jewish Wizards. Where all the students were geniuses, at least, according to their mothers. Naturally, it was time for me to start preparing for my Bar Mitzvah. To do it in only 2 years, I really had to be a wizard to master all those strange Hebrew incantations and the deepest secrets of the Jewish people. I was ready for the challenge. I knew that it was my destiny. Besides where else could I go to play that amazing sport, Quidditch, on my trusty Fire Bolt and where the greatest grand prize was a Quiddish Qup! [holds cup up for all to see]

I went on to discover that I was a Torah Wizard. Those who really follow my career will understand me when I say that I am truly a “seeker” at heart. What I didn’t count on was that I would have to struggle mightily to foil the evil plot of the dastardly He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, who was out to destroy all the other wizards because we were Jewish. I knew it was dangerous, but I had to make the world safe for people who were different, who believed and practiced in ways that weren’t like everyone else. Most people are happy to just muggle along. But I knew that we Jews had a responsibility to make the world a better, happier place!

In the end, good triumphs once and for all! For you see the evil He Who Must Not Be Named could not harm me because I was protected by the deep and true love of my mom. Now, if that’s not a Jewish story, I don’t know what is! Of course, I had a little help from that old stone. No, it wasn’t a Sorcerer’s Stone, but it was an ancient stone, a chip off the original 10 commandments, the stone tablets brought down by Moses. For you see, it is the love of family and our tradition, the love of our heritage, the love that comes from being proud of who you are that is the only thing that can save us in the end.

As for old, He Who Must Not Be Named, see the secret name HMN, [pauses] get it?  H.M.N, Haman.  Well, he was rendered powerless, a useless shell of his former self. A pastry shell, in fact. We served him up full of delicious jam. Mmm-mmm-mmm! We called them H.M.N.-Taschen. An old wizarding word that means “just desserts” and he sure got his!

So now the Katz out of the bag, so to speak. They used to say “Poor ‘im,” but now I feel pretty darn happy to be me. So Happy Purim is what I say to all of you! Won’t you join me now in the celebration of our great victory over evil. They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

Analysis:

This story tells the Ester story through the lens of Harry Potter.  It has often been commented that the villain of the Harry Potter series displays a form of racism not unlike anti-semitism.  Consequently, this story plays on that idea and expands it into another area of Jewish history.  Cross-references abound in this monologue.  For example, “Poor ‘im” is a homonym for the holiday name, Purim.  Furthermore, Ester, like Harry Potter in this story, was an orphan raised by more distant family.  When the king decreed that he wanted a new wife, Ester was brought to his castle, but kept her identity a secret.  The Qup is a special cup used on Purim, and the abbreviation HMN sounds like Haman (the villain from the Ester story) when said out loud.  This story keeps most of essentials to the Ester story while making it more modern.  However, it still encourages the listeners to be proud of their heritage and celebrate this particular victory.  Since the story is handled very loosely, it is arguably not mythology, though the story of Ester is part of the canonized religious texts.

Sources:

Rowling, J.K. The Harry Potter Series.  New York: Scholastic Inc.

The Book of Esther

Left-handed Paper Stretchers

Nationality: American
Age: 14
Occupation: Student
Residence: USA
Primary Language: English

Informant:

Maximilian Gardner, 14, is a freshman in high school, and considers himself “Caucasian.”  He plays football and basketball at his high school.  He heard about this from a friend on the football team near the beginning of the school year.  Mr. Salyer is a teacher at the school.

Text:

So, apparently, at the beginning of the year, Mr. Salyer will ask one of the new kids to go find the left-handed paper stretcher.  And he’ll tell them, “I think Mrs. Gunnell has it.  Do you mind going and asking for it?” And so that kid will run off to Mrs. Gunnell’s room on the opposite side of the school.  Well, she doesn’t have it, so she tells him to go to another teacher, again on the opposite side of campus.  And they keep doing that over and over again until finally they either realize there’s no such thing as a left-handed paper stretcher or someone tells them.  I guess one time, this guy, Cal, he ended up going for literally three hours until someone had pity on him and told him to stop.  So basically, once the first person has gone looking for the left-handed paper stretcher, all the new kids are officially part of the school.

Analysis:

This is a classic initiation rite, very much like an anchor watch or some other prank.  To Max, this rite is the official symbol that the new students are part of the school, more than even a welcome pep rally or some other official function.   Interestingly, eBay now sells water color paper stretchers, but I think that is to hold a piece of paper in place while painting.

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/A3-WATERCOLOUR-PAPER-STRETCHER-/260825476556

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/A4-PAPER-STRETCHER-WATERCOLOUR-/260819081848#ht_2844wt_881

http://ai.mee.nu/hand_me_the_finnegan_pin

http://www.messybeast.com/dragonqueen/fools-errands.htm

 

Lemon-eating contest

Nationality: American
Age: 14
Occupation: Student
Residence: USA
Primary Language: English

Informant:

Maximilian Gardner, 14, is a freshman in high school, and considers himself “Caucasian.”  He plays football and basketball at his high school.  He participated in this initiation rite as part of joining the basketball team.

Text:

Ok, now, the basketball team has this tournament in Phoenix every year, you see, and so it lasts for about three or four days.  Well, on the last night there, the whole team goes to this one T.G.I. Fridays, and then, after the meal’s over, all the freshmen have to compete in this lemon eating competition.  Basically, they get a whole bunch of lemon wedges and the first person to finish eating two whole lemons worth wins.  Of course, everyone has to finish the lemons, whether they win or not, but the winner gets to start in the next game.  And the loser has to wear princess clothes on the flight home.  Needless to say, I won.  They yanked me out of the game after about thirty seconds, but, hey!  I got to start!

Analysis:

To Max, this initiation rite meant not only that he was a part of the team, but also that he had a chance at contributing.  They are rewarding whichever freshman tries the hardest in this ritual by allowing them to start in a game, which is an honor.  Normally, only the best players get to start a game.

Mishaps at Sea

Nationality: American
Age: 19
Occupation: Student
Residence: USA
Primary Language: English

Informant:

I collected this from Amy Gebert, 19, who heard it from her sailing instructor, Captain Lars Harding, during a sailing class here at USC.  Amy is self identified Caucasian and is a Political Science major at USC.

Text:

So, this is pretty much what he said.  Now, it’s not necessarily good to not use technology altogether either though.  See, I knew this one guy, and he was a pretty experienced sailor and all that, but he refused to use any kind of technology in his boat.  No motor, no radio, no GPS, not even flares, no nothing!  So he goes out one day, sailing to Catalina, which is a pretty easy voyage out of L.A.  But as he’s going, his mast breaks.  I mean, just snaps in half.  And now he’s left with no working sails, no motor, and no radio.  So he tries waving to people passing by, to the fairies, but you know what they thought.  They thought he was just waving at them as they were passing by, like to say have a nice day or so.  So no one actually stops to help him.  Well, as this is going on, his boat starts to drift in the cannel, and pretty soon he is pretty darn far from most traffic to and from Catalina.  Turns out, this guy drifts for four months, four months I tell you!  Before someone finally found him.  I mean, his family thought he was dead, and then some container ship spotted him floating along and picked him up.  Course, he was completely haggard and delirious by then, beard out to here [points to stomach] and wild hair and all that.  You know how he survived? Well, he took the sail, what was left of it at least, and used it to catch rain water, although that stuff is still pretty salty.  And then, cause these seagulls would come and land on the deck, he would wait right under the deck with this big old paddle, and wait there until a seagull would hold still and when it was least expecting it, he would jump out and WHAM! [reenacts jumping and slapping paddle] hit the seagull with the paddle and kill it.  But he didn’t have fire, so he was basically living off of salt water and raw seagulls for four months until they found him.  And that stuff really fucks you up.  Anyways, it’s a good idea, even if you don’t have a motor, to at least keep a radio with you and some extra batteries.  You never know when you’ll need it.

Analysis:

This story is a warning to always bring safety equipment when sailing.  The story may or may not be true, though there is some slight possibility that it is real.  Nonetheless, it uses this unfortunate man’s experience as a warning not to follow his example.  The active participation in the tale, through reenactments and hand gestures, helps make the story more memorable and impactful.  To Amy, this story was particularly significant because it gave her motivation to study and learn how to use the instruments needed for sailing. Interestingly, this story is relatively common in several fishing communities around the pacific and variants have appeared in the news several times.  The story always follows the same pattern: a few people(three or less) are on a boat that drifts out to sea and they must survive for several months on rain water and raw sea gulls until they are miraculously rescued by a passing, larger ship with only a few more days to live.

Sources:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4798243.stm

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-396761/Men-eat-raw-seagull-month-sea-ordeal.html

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/more-news/teens-rescued-after-50-days-in-the-pacific/story-e6frf7lf-1225961104064

 

Smartest Man in the World

Nationality: African-American
Age: 20
Occupation: Student
Residence: USA
Primary Language: English

Informant:

This joke was provided by Monique Warren, 20.  She considers herself “black” and is a student at the University of Southern California, studying Environmental Engineering.  Monique learned this joke from one of her roommates.  I collected it from her during a conversation in my apartment, but she most recently shared this joke at dinner with several friends from an engineering class.

Text:

Okay.  So, Bill Gates, Hillary Clinton, a kid are all in an airplane when the pilot comes out and is like, “It looks like the plane is gonna crash.” And then he’s like, “But we only have three parachutes and there’s four of us.”  So Hillary stands up, grabs one of the parachutes, and says, “I’m the most powerful woman in the world.  The world needs me.”  And so she like puts on the parachute and jumps out.  Then Bill Gates grabs a parachute and is like, “I’m the smartest man in the world.  The world needs me.”  And he jumps out too.  Then the pilot turns the kid and says, “I’ve had a good life.  You take the third parachute.”  And the kid’s like, “That’s okay.  The smartest man in the world just took my backpack.”

Analysis:

This joke seems to make a comment on people who presume that the world needs them due to this quality or that.  While many variations exist, it is interesting that one of the characters is Hillary Clinton.  In many other cases, the cast is all male.  Consequently, this joke is in part making a statement about power-hungry women.  Also, during the Bush administration, George W. Bush took one of the parachutes in many cases.  Perhaps, due to the racial sensitivities attached to Obama, it is safer to use Hillary instead.  In addition, this joke has some 1% undertones to it, since the person who took the wrong parachute was Bill Gates, the wealthiest man in the world.  In his case, his wealth did not save him.

Sources:

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/compjokes/smartestman.shtml

http://www.laughparty.com/funnyjoke/Parachute/502/

http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CHB2V&Funny_Jokes=Parachutes

http://speakeasy.jazzcorner.com/speakeasy/showthread.php?t=20453

http://wheelchairquiz.com/george-bush-jokes.htm

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070612140604AAJvwtp

http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/airplane_crash