Blue Moon Café Joke

There’s this guy, okay, and he’s really stressed out, like really really stressed out, like imagine the most stressed out you’ve ever been in your whole life.  You, you have it, in your mind?  Think like that time a billion wrapped up in a nice ice cube of stressed outness.  So umm, allright, so, he decides he’s going to take a vacae, decides he’s going to go to the Bahamas and get all vacaed up and have a nice vacae, okay, vaca-tion.  So, he goes to his boss first, he’s like hey, boss-man, what’s up dog?! Listen, here’s the dealio, I’m going to take a vacae umm I don’t care what you think, so give me the days off.  And the boss is like okay, dude whatever, where are you going?  And the guys like, I’m going to the Bahamas!  And the boss is like oh, the Bahamas are great, but listen, whe..whe..when you’re in the Bahamas, the one thing you must never ever ever ever do is go to the Blue Moon Café.  Dun dun dun.  So he’s like okay whatever, whatever, he goes home to his wife, he’s like hey, wifey-baby what’s shakin’ bacon, listen, here’s the dealio, I’m going to take a vacae, without you, umm, I think I need some alone time, some me time.  The wife is like okay, umm, where you going to go, honey bunny?  And, and the guy’s like umm you know I was thinking I’m going to go to the Bahamas.  And his wife’s like oh, the Bahamas, it would be fun to go there, oh, but listen though, listen, honey, when you go there, you got to promise me something, and I mean it, you can’t go to the Blue Moon Café.  He’s like okay whatever.  So he goes to, he’s like, you know what, when I get back from the Bahamas, I’m gonna be like thin and tan, from eating like umm chipmunks there, I dunno, there’s a weird diet and stuff there, so umm I’m gonna need a new suit!  So he goes to his local tailor, Mr. Sketchypants, and he’s like hey, Mr. Sketchypants, listen I need a new suit.  And the tailor’s like ohh that’s good, what do you need a new suit for?  And umm, and he’s like uhh I need it cause I’m going to the Bahamas!  And the tailor’s like ohhh the Bahamas!  I love zee Bahamas, but listen dude, the one thing you must never ever do when you go to the Bahamas is go to the Blue Moon Café.  You can’t do it.  So uh, so he, so he’s like okay, whatever dude, all right you guys this is kinda freaky in the leaky, insane in the membrane, but okay.

So he gets on the plane, he’s flying over the deep blue sea, he’s watching the stewardess, do this, you know like the mask, and let the little fucker fend for himself kinda dealio, umm, and umm while, he’s in the plane, suddenly, every hotel in the Bahamas burns to the ground, like what are the fucking odds, like, what are the odds?  You are more likely to get hit by lightning forty-nine times in a row than for this to happen, it’s, it’s freaking unbelievable, okay.  So he gets out of the plane, get’s out of the plane and lets laid by a couple of natives, they put leis on him.  And uhh, he’s looking for a place to stay and there isn’t one because they’re all like smoldering ruins, looking like freaking place that was burnt, Hiroshima, Hiroshima was bombed, can I not, is it too soon to use that?  The Lincoln assassination only just recently became funny, okay, umm, I need to see this play like I need a hole in my head…okay, so, um so he’s looking for a place to stay, suddenly, he see’s like this red walkway and this like silver awning and a beam of light, like a big ol’ beam of light shines down from the clouds and you hear the angels going ahhhh, and you see the words Blue Moon Café.  So, umm, he’s like, you know what, doesn’t look that bad, I’ll stay here for a couple nights, see if like the room service sucks, I’ll just, you know, get up and bounce.  He stays there for two weeks, he loves it.  Imagine the best place you’ve ever stayed in your life.  What’s the best place you’ve ever stayed in your life?  Cabo (audience answer).  Really?  Cabo was nothing on the Blue Moon Café.  The Blue Moon Café was like twenty times Cabo, fifty-nine times Cabo.

Um, okay so, he gets home, he flies back home, he first goes to his boss and he’s like hey boss-man, look I’m all tan, I’m wearing the little conch shells around my neck and I’m back!  The boss is like oh dude, they do the little handshake thingy, and then he’s like um hey dude, how was the Bahamas?  And the guy was like oh you know the Bahamas were great but you know what’s weird is I stayed at the Blue Moon Café and it wasn’t that bad.  And the boss was like WHAT?!  You stayed at the Blue Moon Café!?  You’re fired!  And he throws him, like throws him out of the office, like physically, like he throws him.  So um the guys like [whimper], his hair’s all messed up and weird, so he he he goes home to his wife and he’s like wifey-baby I’m back but I just got fired cause I went to the Blue Moon Café.  His wife was like what, you went to the Blue Moon Café, I’m divorcing you!  She had the papers, she makes him sign them, right there.  She burns all his clothes, including the ones on his body.  He’s now wandering the streets naked, wifeless, jobless, burnt, very burnt so he’s like [distressed noise].  So he goes to see his tailor, to get the suit that he ordered before.  He’s like tailor, please, Mr. Sketchypants, please give me the suit because I went to the Blue Moon Café and everyone’s mad at me.  And the tailor’s like what, you went to the Blue Moon freaking Café, what the bloody hell is wrong with you?!  Um, and he rips up the suit and is like I’m charging you for that too!  And throws him out of the thing.

So um now he’s like wandering the streets a broken wreck of a shell of a horrible cadaver of a man and um he uh decides to seek enlightenment, ding.  So he goes to his local priest, Father Billy Bob.  He’s like, forgive me father, for I have sinned, but I don’t know what I did wrong, and the father’s like uhh all right all right.  He’s like I don’t know what I did wrong, I went to the Blue Moon Café, everyone’s mad at me, what did I do wrong?  And the priest’s is like, if I were not, a man of God, I would Kevorkian your ass right on this spot and uh and he excommunicates him the guy, like throws some holy water on him and throws him out of the room.  He goes through a Jewish rabbi, a Hindu guy, and uh he’s searching for someone who will tell him the answer to this age old question why is everyone mad at him for going to the Blue Moon Café?

So finally, he hears tales of this one monk on top of Mount Kilimanfufu, and the monk will tell him the answer to any question he has in the universe.  This is just a well known fact, this monk is like ask Jeeves, only like times a billion.  So, he climbs up, like it takes him ten days and three hours and twenty-nine minutes and two seconds, and he gets to the top and he kneels down before the monk, he’s like please God, I’m gonna kill myself if you don’t tell me what’s wrong with the Blue Moon Café, his voice is all kinda cracking and weird.  So the monks like okay, I’ll tell you, but first I have to purify my soul for what I’m about to impart upon you.  So they row out in the middle of this big lake, this big lake, um, beautiful blue waters, limpid, like a baby’s eyes and um and and and and the monk prays for ten hours and finally, he stands up in the boat and he says the reason why everyone is mad at you for going to the Blue Moon Café is—and suddenly, this huge wave comes and knocks the monk overboard, and the moral of the story is don’t stand up in boats.

The informant likes to tell this joke as entertainment when people are bored.  It takes about a full ten minutes to perform and is packed full of crazy hand gestures and movement.  It has become a full blown performance for the informant.  She says people typically have an angry and annoyed reaction to the punch line of the joke.

I have included a video recording of this joke with my release forms.  I like this joke because it plays off of audience anticipation.  The performer tells the joke, as if she were dangling a carrot in front of our faces, we just want to know why the Blue Moon Café is so horrible a place to have gone to, but we never find out.  We continue to listen to the joke because of human curiosity.  I also enjoy the terminology used in the joke, “what’s up dawg, or dealio” for example.  This added terminology is probably one form of variation in the joke, as these greetings are often used in modern days with younger crowds.  Groups of people with different communication or greeting styles would probably change the joke to match their group.  I also find the reference to Ask Jeeves interesting; it assumes that we have knowledge of websites and shows modern pop culture’s influence on our folklore.