Author Archives: Matthew Arbanas

Joke – Northern California

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Nationality: Irish, German
Age: 21
Occupation: Student
Residence: Saratoga, CA
Performance Date: April 30, 2008
Primary Language: English

“On a nice Sunday afternoon, a husband and wife were having intercourse. Being the beautiful day that it was, the couple decided to leave the windows and doors open into the house. In the middle of their romp, the wife begins screaming in pain. The husband, thinking that he might have been a little too energetic, asked her what’s wrong. His wife responded that she thinks a bee might have flown into her vagina and it is causing intense pain. The husband tries everything he can think of but he cannot seem to extract the bee from his wife’s vagina.

In order to deal with his wife’s pain, the husband drives her as quickly as possible to the hospital. While his wife is clutching her private area and moaning in pain, the husband tells the doctor the absurd details of what had happened. The doctor admits he has never quite heard of a situation like this and his solution would require some creativity.

After thinking the situation over for a few minutes, the doctor informs the man that he has a plan, but he probably would take offense to the solution. The man asks the doctor what his plan is and the doctor informs him that the only way possible to extract the bee from woman’s vagina would be to lure or tempt it out. The man asks the doctor what this would entail. The doctor tells the man that, if the man will consent, he will put honey on his penis and slowly insert it into his wife’s vagina in the hopes that the honey will attract the bee to leave its new home. The man thinks the plan over and finally agrees that this will probably be the only way. The doctor asks the man to kindly wait outside and the man agrees.

Sitting outside the doctor’s office, the husband hears his wife’s gentle moans of pain. After a while, however, the sounds begin to change. The moans no longer sound in pain but possibly pleasure. The man dismisses the notion, thinking that he is simply being jealous. After a while though, the man is sure he is hearing a change in the medical activities in the next door. His wife is no longer moaning but yelling “YES YES YES!”

The husband decides that he can no longer take it and that the doctor lied about his plan. The husband rushes into the next room and sees the doctor breaking his wife off something fierce. The man is horrified at this scene and shouts at the doctor,

“What in the world are you doing?!? What happened to the plan??” The doctor, without missing a beat, shouts back,

“Plan wasn’t working, switching to Plan B, I’m gonna drown that son of a bitch!!”

Jake told that he learned this joke from his soccer coach when he was in 8th grade. He told me that it was before a big game in the state playoffs and he and his teammates were all pretty nervous. Because the mood was so tense, while they were doing their warm-ups the coach came over and told them this joke to liven the mood. Jake told me that it did a pretty good job and he had them all laughing extremely hard. The joke did its job and prevented them from second guessing themselves before the big match. As a result they went onto to win the game. After telling it, Jake was not a hundred percent sure that this was the exact version that his coach had told him originally and that he may have adapted certain elements.

This joke is extremely vulgar and most likely intended for a male audience. It plays off the stereotype that doctors may not always be honest in their intentions and can be deceiving at times, as well as the fact that husbands can be oblivious to the promiscuous actions of their wives. It has a very sexual element and I can see how it would be appealing to an audience of young teenage boys. At further examination, it also has an element of male versus male competition and how in our culture this seems to be the driving force in many male interactions, especially when in contest for women. When he first told me I also found it quite funny. In reflection, I thought it interesting that society makes jokes about those things that some people are uncomfortable with, such as sexual actions and promiscuity of significant others. This joke and others on the topic act as a socially acceptable way of addressing these issues.

Ghost Story – Portland, OR

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Nationality: American
Age: 20
Occupation: Student
Residence: Portland, OR
Performance Date: April 27, 2008
Primary Language: English

“Lewis & Clark College has been called one of the most haunted places in Portland, Oregon. One of the places that are supposed to be haunted is the courtyard at the center of campus called the Estate Gardens. If you find your way to the center of the campus, around 1:00 a.m., there is a big courtyard area with rose gardens that is supposedly haunted.  You are supposed to feel someone or something there with you. On many occasions you can hear screaming and yelling as if a mob is chasing someone through the old campus. Sometimes you will see multiple ghosts come running through the courtyard, one being chased by a group of 10-15.

Also there is another part of campus that is also haunted. There is an old nunnery on the opposite side of campus that burnt down one night. The fire did not burn down the entire property, however the fire did kill most of the nuns and the cooks that were living in the house. It has now been reconstructed and it is used as an administrative building and houses conferences. Nobody lives there any more. It is said that if you go up to the house at around 3:00 a.m., the time of the devil, you can hear people screaming from inside the house. Also, if you are in the interior of the house, you can hear people walking upstairs, and doors will randomly be opened and closed throughout the house. Many of the campus security guards claim that they personally have experienced interactions with the ghosts in some way and those people who have houses near the old Nunnery say that they have seen strange apparitions outside there windows at night.”

The first time that I hear this story was the summer after I had just graduated from high school. My friends and I were all hanging out one night with nothing to do. My friend brought up the fact that he learned some thing interesting at work. One of his co-workers told him that Lewis and Clark College is supposedly one of the most haunted places in Portland. His co-worker had instructed him on where to go at what time on campus as to insure that he would experience paranormal activity. So we all decided to head out there to see if it was true. We did not experience anything in the courtyard, however the atmosphere heightened our sense that there could be a ghost out there somewhere. Upon our return to our cars after being unsuccessful in seeing a ghost, we ran into a campus security guard who led us to another part of campus that is supposedly more haunted. It was the old Nunnery that had burnt down. The guard asked us if we wanted a tour and told us that she had personally experienced all kinds of strange things happening. After giving us the tour, we went to leave and all the doors that we had previously opened we now closed and the lights that we had turned on were off. It was really spooky. In hindsight, we were such large group that we were probably too loud to hear anything like footsteps upstairs, but I would like to go back and experience it again maybe with a smaller group.

Folk Song – Scottish

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Nationality: Norwegian, Scottish
Age: 48
Occupation: Retired
Residence: Portland, OR
Performance Date: April 23, 2008
Primary Language: English

The Bonnie Banks o’Loch Lomand

By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes

Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond

Where me and my true love will ne-er meet again (alternate: Where me and my true love were eer lak/wont to gae)

On the bonnie, bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond.

Chorus:

O you’ll tak’ the high road and I’ll tak’ the low road

And I’ll be in Scotland afore ye

For me and my true love will ne-er meet again

On the bonnie, bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond.

‘Twas there that we parted in yon shady glen

On the steep, steep sides o’ Ben Lomond

Where deep in purple hue, the hieland hills we view

And the moon comin’ out in the gloamin’.

Chorus: (repeat)

The wee birdies sing and the wild flowers spring

And in sunshine the waters are sleeping

But the broken heart, it kens nae second spring again

Tho’ the waeful may cease frae their greeting. (alternate: Tho’ the world knows not how we are grieving)

When my mother was a little girl, she used to have a lot of relatives come over from Scotland. My mother explained that the Gray family would sit around and talk and eat for hours. Undoubtedly, the “old folks” would break into song and one of her favorites ballads was the song “The Bonnie Banks o’Loch Lomand.” She can still sing the whole song, and remembers vividly her whole family singing, with my Grandfather leading the way. When she was singing in unison with the rest of her Scottish relatives, my mother recalls feeling a sense of connection with her heritage.

Singing was a big part of the Scottish culture and this song was based off the belief that the Celtics and Scots shared. When man meets his death in a foreign land (like during war) his spirit travels back to his birthplace by an underground ferry way. This is called “The Low Road.” In 1745, Scotland invaded England and many of the soldiers were captured and thrown into prison, or killed. The song is about two soldiers, one who escapes and takes the “high” road back to Scotland, and one who is executed and whose spirit travels the “low” road back. The spirit gets back to Scotland first. This story behind this folk song and lyrics can also be found in Scottish Lore and Folklore.

Annotation: Douglas, Ronald Macdonald. Scottish Lore and Folklore. Crown Publishers: New York: 1982

Fairy Tales – Croatia

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Nationality: Croatian, American
Age: 50
Occupation: Marketing Specialist
Performance Date: April 24, 2008
Primary Language: English

“Fairies could both protect and hurt you. They were everywhere! Good fairies did everything from helping people around the house and granting wishes. Air fairies were always good. Lake fairies were always evil, and earth fairies were good, unless the weather and the climate turned harshly against them. When I was a young boy, I was very curious about this and often went searching for the bad fairies in the lakes around Bend. I would wonder off, hoping to find a fairy in the brush by the lake. Legend had it, that if you could capture a bad fairy, they would grant you ANYTHING…one wish… to let them free.  I used to dream about what I would wish for: a new bike, candy, a million dollars. The thought of fairies really captivated me. Of course, when I lost my first tooth, it was easy for me to believe in the air fairies (they are good) that would come and reward me for my baby tooth. My parents told me that they used the teeth for making jewelry. So, if the were clean and didn’t have a cavity, they were worth more.  My Grandpa told me that fairies were fallen angels that God had chosen to watch over earth, until they were worthy of heaven. Of course, the evils ones had taken a bad turn and were helping the Devil. As I grew older (and I figured out that fairies were not real) we had a joke in our family when anything went missing, or got broken. It was always the “fairies fault!” They would finish off the ice cream, eat all the cookies and leave the house a mess. This always made your Grammy smile, and, needless to say, I got away with a lot because the bad fairy did it.”

My Dad told me that as a child growing up in Bend, OR, family always surrounded him. His father was from Croatia, as were his fathers parents. My dad recalls his Grandpa Walt telling him the story of fairies long before he lost my first tooth. In Croatia, as a boy, his grandfather learned that fairies could both protect and hurt you. His parent would take the stories of the good fairies and bad fairies and shift them to convey a lesson to him. For example, his parents told him that they used lost teeth for making jewelry. So, if they were clean and didn’t have a cavity, they were worth more. This, in turn made my dad brush his teeth every night so that when he lost them they would be worth more to the fairy. My Grandpa also told my father that fairies were fallen angels that God had chosen to watch over earth until they were worthy of heaven and that the evil ones were helping the Devil. This tied into his family’s Catholic upbringing and made sense to him when he was younger.

I can recall my parents telling me similar stories when I was growing up. I find it interesting that in both my father’s case and mine, the stories were utilized to convey a lesson or to help the child understand a difficult concept in a simpler manner. I remember hearing the same stories regarding the parallelism of fairies and fallen angels when I was younger to help me understand Catholicism. It was also a way to make me behave as the idea that God has eyes everywhere kept on my toes.

Legend – Ireland

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Nationality: Irish, German
Age: 21
Occupation: Student
Residence: Saratoga, CA
Performance Date: April 30, 2008
Primary Language: English

“St Patrick landed in Ireland and began preaching but he held a feast on the same night as the festival of the high king at Tara. The high king at Tara declared that no fires should be burned within sight of Tara, the sacred pagan grounds. St Patrick lit a fire anyway and all of the king’s men and the king himself came after him and they confronted Patrick who declared the power of God and Christianity to be the sovereign of Tara, and the king and his priests decided that Patrick was a heretic and should be punished because he could not prove this statement. Patrick then cast two miracles and then the King asked his priests, druids to cast the same spell and when they could not Patrick said it was because the Lord is the right faith and the druids attacked Patrick and he levitated them into the air and bashed their heads on the rock forcing the King at Tara to kneel to Patrick and surrender his sword and the result was that Christianity got its foothold in Ireland and asserted its supremacy over Paganism and began to spread and through St. Patrick and Later St. Brigit Christianity was brought to the peoples of Ireland around 400 CE.”

Jake told me that he learned this tale about St. Patrick spreading Christianity throughout Ireland from his Grandmother Katie O’Conor. When he would visit her when he was younger, one of her favorite things to do was to tell Jake and his younger brother Luke the stories of their Irish heritage. Among many, Jake remembers the story of St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, defying the high King at Tara and spreading Christianity the most clearly from his youth. He remembers his grandmother calling him in and sitting him down on the floor while she sat in her chair and reciting the story. Jake told me that she his grandmother immigrated from Ireland but could not recall how old she was or what year. He did, however, remember that she lived in Canada for several years before she was able move to the United States and make it California. Jake told me that he enjoyed hearing the story of St. Patrick because in a way, he felt like he was connecting with his Irish roots. His grandma is still alive and he enjoys spending time with her and learning more about his heritage from her whenever he can.

It is interesting to note that today this image of St. Patrick has almost faded in the shadow of the commercial appeal that his name brings about. For me, the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the name St. Patrick is St. Patrick’s day which has become associated mainly with drinking. Prior to Jake telling me this story, I was unaware of the perceived happenings surrounding St. Patrick and his endeavors to spread Christianity throughout Ireland. I also find it very interesting that in the story that Jake told me, St. Patrick is said to have performed “miracles,” almost giving him divine powers and equating him in many ways with Jesus himself.