Fuck, I missed!

So, a plumber and a priest go golfing. The priest and the golfer drive up to the first hole, get all their stuff ready, get their clubs, they stand up, got their club in hand. The plumber’s up first. He goes to swing, looks at the ball, gets focused, tests for wind, stares at the hole, brings back his golf club, swings! And he misses completely, and screams out, “Fuck, I missed!”. And the priest says, “Oh, sir please, I wanted to have a good time with you, I wanted to come out here with you and play golf. Those words really make me uncomfortable, and I’d really prefer if you just didn’t say them.” So, the plumber’s like “:Oh yes, yes of course I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry priest.” So, he lines up his second shot. Club on the ground, in front of the ball, he’s got a big back swing … misses by a mile! And he says, “Fuck, I missed.” And the priest says “Sir! These words are against my faith. Please, please don’t continue with this, I can’t take it, I won’t still be out here with you.” And he says “Oh, I’m so sorry father, I’m so sorry, I really, I’ll stop.” Takes his golf club in hand, really focuses on this one, really lines this one up, he will never miss this one, swings it back … misses farther than he’s ever missed before, and he screams out, “Fuck! I missed!” And suddenly, clouds, dark looming clouds appear over the horizon, and these low, mumbling, growls of thunder, and suddenly lightning comes down, strikes and kills the priest! And you hear this loud, growling voice booming from the sky. “Fuck! I missed!”

Background: My informant recalls being told this joke by her dad, with whom she did not have a good relationship with and who she believes told it to her in an attempt to maintain his image of being fun and cool in front of his children.

Context: My informant first told me this joke in a one-on-one conversation when it was dying down, and reports that she usually says it when a conversation is stagnating.

My thoughts: I thought this joke was very funny when I first heard it, being from a Christian background myself, although it is unclear where my informant’s father heard it, as neither she nor any of her family has ever been Christian. In my interpretation, this joke pokes fun at how pious and up-tight clergy are, both by showing the priest’s annoying tendency to censor the other golf player, and by demonstrating God making the same sort of mistake (and the same sin of foul language) that the plumber makes.

Nail Soup

Basically, it’s about this homeless man, who, all he has in his pocket is a nail, right? So he’s walking around trying to get help from people and like ask them for food, cause he’s like all out on the street it’s like nighttime he’s hungry and he’s alone. So he goes to, door to door, and is just like “Hi can I have something to eat, Hi can I have something to eat,” and everybody shuts him out and then he get sup to this woman, and he knocks on her door and she wants him to get away, and then he tells her, um  … “I bet I can cook you the most delicious soup you’ve ever had with just this nail,” it’s just a metal nail, right? And she’s like, like “I don’t believe you” and he’s like “just let me try,” and so she does. So he walks inside, and he goes into her kitchen, and he gets a pot and fills it up with water, and he puts it in and it’s boiling, and he puts the nail in, and she sits down and they just start talking a little bit about themselves, but she’s still a little wary cause she doesn’t know, and as he’s cooking he’s just smelling it, and tasting it, and he’s like “mmm, this is really coming together”, and then he’s just like “ but you know what would go really good with this if you really wanna make this a great nail soup is some carrots.” And, so she’s like, “I have some carrots,” and so she pulls out the carrots and they cook it together and chop it up, put some carrots in the soup with the um, nail, and as he goes through he’s like, “You know, some celery would just make this great,” and after adding a couple more vegetables, potatoes, celery, obvious, all that stuff, um, he… talks to her and he’s just like, “You know, I’m getting really hungry. The best thing that you can do is just to like, dip some bread in the soup, and then it’s so good.” And so she pulls out this big loaf of bread, she’s like, “I have bread here,” and so she breaks the bread with him and they eat, dippin’ in together, and he, um … and they’re like having this great time, and he’s just like, “This always remind me of the times I used to eat nail soup and just have a nice glass of red wine,” so she pulls out the red wine, she pours them some glasses and she’s having a wonderful time with him, and they’re just talking about their history together and he’s like “Ok, soup is done!” And he slips the nail out, puts it back in his pocket, and then he brings the soup down, and they share the meal, and she’s like “I had such a lovely dinner with you, and it was just such a lovely meal, you should come back some time to make me nail soup,” and then they leave.

Background: This informant recalls being told this story as a child by her mother, who is Lebanese. She remembers not being able to spend much time with her mother, but each night hearing a children’s story before bed. She cites it as a Polish folk story. For them, it is a story about compassion and sharing, and the joy that comes with it. This informant has previously related to me that the sharing of food is very important to them, as well as important in Lebanese culture.

Context: This piece was collected during a conversation about childhood stories had on the inflatable mattress in our apartment living room.

My thoughts: When I was told this story, I half-remembered hearing a similar tale during my own childhood. Upon further research, I realized that the version I had been told was the “Stone Soup” oikotype, in which a stone takes the place of the nail. I agree very much with my informant’s assessment of the meaning of this tale. I’d be interested in learning more about why the soup in each version of the story starts with the ingredient it starts with.

For another version of this tale, see the following:

Yeats, William Butler (2010). The Collected Works of W.B. Yeats Vol II: The Plays. New York City: Simon & Schuster. pp. 109–119. ISBN 978-1439105764.

Mangkukulam

It’s definitely something that Filipinos, like would tell people about, um, because it’s like, witchcraft was a really big thing in the Philippines, or it still is a really big thing in the Philippines, so people who are like mangkukulam like are, people who like put hexes or curses on you, and like, sometimes these people are like shapeshifters or like, have like made deals with the devil and stuff, so. Still, there are like, there are people who will be like don’t go near her she’s like, a mangkukulam and it’s mostly people who are like clinically insane and like, have attacked people but like, literally like, entities who use their energies towards evil intentions, like karmic energy, things like that.

Background: My informant, as is their family, is Filipino, and they speak Tagalog often with their parents and siblings. They recall their family telling them this story, as well as TV shows in the Philippines that dramatized creatures of Filipino Legend, as well as other Filipino supernatural events.

Context: This piece was collected in an in-person conversation in my apartment.

My thoughts: Based on the accused mangkukulam usually being a woman, this legend may have a similar function as North American legends concerning witches; that being, to demonize and punish women who don’t fit into the patriarchal role set out for them.

Manananggal

Around like, Halloween time, like how they would do it, is like they’d literally just like, have, a bunch of like, scary movies of like these folklore creatures that have been like, told, throughout the years. It’s funny cause like the same, like, half floating demon lady with her guts floating out and like her, her wings, and she’s just like chasing people throughout school. Yeah, she’s called the Manananggal, she’s insane. My mom used to call me that. How I remember her… so, this like half lady, right, she’s like got, half a pair – she’s like this lady that’s like cut in half, she’s got wings, but like, so half of her is like flying, and then her other half is just like standing in one place, like just her legs. And her whole things, is like, she preys on like unborn kids, yeah, she’ll like prey on unborn pregnant women, like the only way to basically end her reign of terror is to find its legs, and then you put salt on its legs so it can’t recombine. Around like, Halloween time, or not even Halloween time, because Halloween’s not really big in the Philippines, so around Day of the Dead, is like when spirits are most active and stuff like that, so like, when you’re like in, like labor units, if you see like labor units in the Philippines like you’ll see a bunch of, like preachers and these like, shaman type people who are like blessing these pregnant women so they don’t get their unborn babies, like, deaded, because like, miscarriages were really popular and that’s just kind of how they would . . . because like modern medicine wasn’t really a thing until, like, recently, so Filipinos would have like shamans pray over them and their babies and hopefully not get murdered.

Background: My informant, as is their family, is Filipino, and they speak Tagalog often with their parents and siblings. They recall their family telling them this story, as well as TV shows in the Philippines that dramatized this creature. They also went to nursing school, which is the source of their knowledge of labor units. As they explain in the piece of folklore, they view the Manananggal as an explanation for the large quantity of miscarriages that occur in the Philippines.

Context: This piece was collected in an in-person conversation in my apartment.

My thoughts: My informant is likely correct as to the primary reason for this legend’s prevalence. Manananggal, as a creature who pursues pregnant women, is an obvious explanation for miscarriages, especially unusually common miscarriages. The reason for her separation from her legs isn’t entirely clear, but outside research suggests that she was once a woman left at the altar, and this is why her legs remain stationary. In light of this, it’s possible that she represents a warning against breaking a marital bond.

Kinakain Ng Mata

There’s like, “kinakain ng mata” Directly translated it’s like “you eat with your eyes,” um, which means like you order too much food for yourself and you just never finish it, it’s like what they tell people, like what they tell kids who like waste their food or like, just, don’t know their limits, for portions.

Background: My informant, as is their family, is Filipino, and they speak Tagalog often with their parents and siblings.

Context: This piece was collected in an in-person conversation in my apartment.

My thoughts: This expression reflects a cultural emphasis on the conservation of resources, especially food. It condemns food waste and reprimands making hasty decisions without thinking them through.