Category Archives: Customs

Customs, conventions, and traditions of a group

“I’m Resting”

Informant: “You came up to a door that was open, and the guy’s splayed out with his ass in the air and he sees you in the mirror or something and if he doesn’t like you, or it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t like you, but he doesn’t want you to fuck him, he says, “Oh, no, I’m just resting.”

This practice is observed in gay men’s bathhouses in the United States. It is part of bathhouse code, a verbal and nonverbal communication system used between gay men to express sexual preference within the bathhouse setting.

My informant is a 44 year old gay massage therapist and lives in Pasadena, CA. I asked him to describe how he learned this euphemism.

“I learned it from experiencing it. It was at this one [bathhouse] in North Hollywood and I used to live right next to it. I just remember this guy, like I said, he was just totally hot, blah, blah, blah, layin’ there, ass in the air. And the mirror is on the back wall opposite the door, so, you know, you can face away and still keep an eye. And he sees me and I was just standin’ there like, you know, half-jackin’ it under my towel. He’s just like “I’m resting!” [laughs] and I went away.”

I asked my informant why he enjoys this piece of folklore:

“I appreciate the primal nature of, I don’t know, the gays, I guess you could say, the primal nature of the homosexuals, homosexual men anyway. Not having to speak female language, you know. It’s a lot easier to sex to male.”

I think this phrase speaks to a larger culture of simple, direct communication about sex among homosexual men. I also think it speaks to a standard of kindness and maturity that can be found within some gay communities. I think my informant appreciates the fact that there is an established code phrase for saying “no thank you” in a way that will not hurt someone’s feelings. It shows a careful consideration of the vulnerability and effort required of someone looking for sexual intercourse. I also find it really interesting that the phrase “I’m resting” has nothing to do with sexuality. I think this is left over from a tradition of coded terminology employed by gay men for much of the twentieth century. They were not allowed to openly discuss their sexuality, and so had to codify their language to communicate with each other while still retaining social standing within a heteronormative world.

Never touch another man’s dice

Informant: “There’s minor traditions that lots of gamblers have and stuff, like you never touch another man’s dice.”

Collector: Is that observed in D&D [Dungeons and Dragons]?

Informant: Yeah, in general, it is. And you almost never reach over for somebody else’s dice. You know, you have your little pile in front of you. If someone needs to borrow one, it’s ok if someone hands you one, ya know, but you don’t go grabbing at other people’s things like that.”

Collector: Is that something you observe?

Informant: “Yeah, yeah, I would say 99% of people that play it…”

Collector: Did you ever make that mistake and then learn not to?

Informant: “[laughs] You know, most people do because of a perceived unluckiness in that if you do that, it, it, it is…I want to say it almost always ends up being a horrible role, you know, somebody else’s dice, especially without permission. [laughs] It always ends up with the worst possible thing that could happen. [laughs] And I don’t know if that’s actually what happens or just everybody notices it, you know what I’m saying? [laughs] But I’ve seen it many a time from some newb that steps up on the mound.”

My informant is a 44 year old male who often plays board games and role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons. I imagine he observes this superstition not only because he believes it has an effect on luck but also because it shows respect for other gamers. It speaks to a larger culture of mutual respect and commonly accepted ground rules that exists within gamer culture, one which allows game-playing among lots of people to function smoothly. I find it really interesting that those who take another’s dice are the ones punished with bad luck. In this way, this superstition serves as a warning to keep everyone in check.

Washing a child’s mouth out with soap

Nationality: American
Age: 60
Occupation: Director of Communications
Residence: New York City
Performance Date: 4/24/2016
Primary Language: English

When a child uses a swear word or misbehaves in some other way, a parent may wash his or her mouth out with a bar of soap. My mother used this punishment on me when I was three years old. We were playing around in her bed when all of a sudden, I spat in her face. She rushed me to the bathroom and washed my mouth out with a big bar of soap. She had never used that punishment on me before and never did again. I asked her to recall why she used it at that moment:

“I was just so shocked, and I was hurt. I was hurt. It just came to mind, like, there’s only one thing to do here. Now the washing the mouth out was something about saying bad words. It was…so for some reason, I went for that punishment because it felt equivalent. I think I just wanted to, like, shock you.”

My informant is my mother, a 60-year old director of communications for a non-profit in New York City. She cannot recall where she learned this folk punishment from, and does not ever remember her parents using it on her. My mother rarely if ever used corporal punishment, but as she said:

“Well, you know, we were not the strictest of parents, you know, but there was, like, certain things that, you know, we just couldn’t let you guys get away with.”

I think my mother likes this folk punishment only because it evokes this memory we can now laugh at. But I find it really interesting that she only used this folk punishment once it her life. This speaks to the way in which folklore can lie dormant in our heads and then emerge at completely unpredictable moments. There are probably hundreds of pieces of folklore that we don’t even know we know, but something will occur, and all of a sudden we’ll find ourselves performing it.

This folk punishment also has a Pavlovian effect to it. It’s completely visceral and instinctual. It doesn’t teach children anything about the disrespect of their words and actions. Rather, it forces an association into their minds between misbehaving and bodily discomfort. I imagine every time I thought of spitting in someone’s face after that moment (which I hope was not often) I remembered the taste of soap in my mouth and chose against it.

Kama od?

Nationality: Israeli
Age: 25
Occupation: Student
Residence: Los Angeles, CA
Performance Date: 4/20/2016
Primary Language: English
Language: Hebrew

Original Script: ?כמה עוד
Phoenetic Script: Kama od?
Transliteration: How much more?
Translation: How much more?

It is forbidden for a soldier who has been in the Israeli army for less than 2 years to utter the phrase “Kama od?” or “How much more?” If he does, he will be punished by the older soldiers. My informant elaborated:

“There’s two words that no solider is allowed to say until they’ve been in the army for two years. And those are ‘Kama od?’ ‘How much more?’  Even if it’s an innocent question, even if you’re asking, oh, like, someone says, “Go pick up these boxes.” You say, ‘Oh, how much more?’ Like you’re asking about the boxes, you’re not asking, you know, in that way. But if you say, ‘How much more?’ you’ll get punished.”

My informant is a 25-year old man who spent four years in the Israeli army. He learned this piece of folklore from other soldiers upon entering the army in 2009. It was observed by all soldiers for all of his four years in the army. He describes the army as like a fraternity, full of strictly-enforced traditions passed down from generation to generation. Much like a fraternity, there is a culture of respect and status that favors those who have spent more time in the organization. According to him, it’s a given that everyone wants to leave. But those who have not worked in the army long have not yet earned the right to complain or yearn for an end to their labors.

My informant is a screenwriter, and I think he enjoys relaying this tradition because it is a detail that helps to describe a fascinating world and culture. I also believe this tradition was developed to help break down new soldiers’ sense of entitlement and individuality. It forces them to accept their situation and work within it without causing a disturbance. I imagine this kind of obedience and commitment from new soldiers is crucial to the functioning of any army. It’s also in keeping with the fraternity aspect of the army that a solider would be punished for saying it even if he wasn’t complaining. As my informant says, the older soldiers are just looking for something to entertain themselves with, and enjoy exercising their authority over the new guys.

Happy Birthday

Age: 48

Happy Birthday Ritual

 

Primary Language- Spanish

Occupation- Factory Worker

Residence- Los Angeles, CA

Date of Performance- 3/19/16

Every Time it is someone’s birthday, you have to sing Haaaappy Birthday to you, Haaaaappy Birthday to you, Haaaaapppy Birthday to Anthony, Happy Birthday to you. Ya queremos pastel! (Translation- We want cake now!) Shortly after you blow the candles, everyone chants, que lo muerda, que lo muerda (Translation- bite the cake) and when they go in for a bite, you grab the back of the person’s head and slam their head into the cake. After that, we start to cut pieces off the cake where the face did not touch and give a slice to everyone. In Honduras, it was the same tradition except we said feliz cumplanos which is just happy birthday but in spanish.

The happy birthday song alway brings a smile on anyone’s face because it is the time of the year where you celebrate the day you were born. Reina loves to go birthday parties and sing happy birthday, especially the recording of when their faces get plastered on the cake. She learned the song when she was in Honduras from her mother who would sing happy birthday to her along with her other relatives and bought a cake to eat as well. The song means a lot to her because in Honduras, they did not have the money to throw any parties but they had enough to buy a cake so to be able to do the same here and much more makes her feel happy and remember the celebrations she had with her mother.

When performing the happy birthday song, you must say it with a group a people while the birthday person sits in front of the birthday cake. While the candles are lit on the cake, before they blow it, you must sing the song, let them blow the candles, and tell them to bite the cake. Even if they do bite the cake, it’s tradition to just smash their face on the cake either way. Then everyone screams from laughter, takes pictures, and eats the cake that does not have any face on it.

I have had a lot of experience from this birthday celebration since my aunt Reina has celebrated almost every birthday with me. Her husband has usually been the one who bought the cake for us. I have also had an enormous amount of cake in my face. My mother also sings the same song and everyone does the same performance at any hispanic birthday party. It even happens for grown people because the tradition will most likely never change. There are a couple alterations such as saying cha cha cha after you say happy birthday in the song, but in our family, we just clap three times instead. One thing that will most likely never change is the fact that the birthday person must get cake on their face somehow. Finding the root for the tradition through history would be difficult, there is also no particular reason for why it happens. It is all in good fun and just keeps the party going. The face smashing also creates memories in which tons of pictures are taken. The singing is also very special because everyone can have a meaningful birthday celebration despite their income with the song and a cake. The photo uploaded is a picture of my last birthday party where my family and friends completely masked my face with cake. There is almost no chance of escaping so sometimes it is best to just take it in and laugh at it later. This long simple tradition will be maintained in my family for generations to come.