Category Archives: Humor

Longest Joke in the World

Nationality: USA
Age: 20
Occupation: Student
Residence: Houston, TX
Performance Date: 3/21/18
Primary Language: English

 

Told over the entire span of a four-hour car ride, the so-called Longest Joke in the World was re to myself and two others by a friend as a means to pass the time.

 

On asking us if we would like to hear the joke, given the large expanse of time before us, we declined to listen. However, the friend insisted on the worthiness of its ending. Sold on the promise of a hard-earned ending, we agreed. And he told the story.

 

Because outlining the story line-by-line and beat-by-beat would understandably occupy too much space, I have compressed it into a greatly abridged format. It should be re-noted that the story was originally told over the course of four hours, with the friend continually reiterating the quality of its ending:

 

A man becomes lost in the desert after a compulsive, possibly suicide-oriented weekend vacation, spending days wandering the sand to no concluding avail and eventually running out of food and water.

 

After seven days, nearing death, the man stumbles upon a massive array of what appear to be solar panels, although ancient in appearance. Arranged in a circular pattern and spanning what must be miles, he makes his way to the center. There at the center sits a simple lever. Curled around the lever, a snake named Nate.

 

The snake speaks to the man, offering comfort. Billions of years old, the snake is the same age as the Earth, his sole duty since the planet’s beginning being the protection of the lever. To turn the lever would be to end the planet.

 

The snake, being an all-powerful entity, grants the man passage out of the desert. Before the man leaves, the snake asks that he come back and visit for the sake of providing company and conversation. After all, billions of years can become quite lonely.

 

The man returns home, and given a new passion for life, becomes very financially successful over the years. And each year, he does not fail to return and visit Nate the snake. The two become best friends over a matter of decades. Eventually, Nate explains that his time on Earth is coming to an end and introduces his young son, Daniel.

 

Since Nate will be gone soon and the man is the only connection to the outside world, Nate asks the man to show Daniel the wonders of the planet before he is required to be confined around the lever for potentially billions of years.

 

The man obliges and takes Daniel on a journey around the world (made possible by his financial success) that lasts a number of years. Soon, the man grows to see Daniel as comparable to a son of his own. When the time comes to return to the desert, the man gets a car and drives the two back to the array and Nate (as opposed to flying a plane, helicopter, etc.) in order to extend just as much time as they can until it’s time to leave each other to their respective lives.

 

On arriving to the array, the car stops at the top of a large hill. Down at the bottom sits Nate, waiting for them. The man and Daniel lament the end of their time together, proceeding down the hill in the car. Suddenly, the brakes give out and the car, going through the sand, is unable to be steered.

 

Having gained full speed, the car heads straight for Nate and the lever. The man and Daniel are horrified but cannot change the course of the car to miss either one. The man is now faced with the unavoidable outcome of hitting either his best friend or a lever that destroy the world.

 

The man turns to Daniel and says, “better Nate than lever.”

And hits Nate.

 

On the first experience of hearing this joke, one might initially assume that it falls under the category of ‘shaggy dog’ jokes, where a story/joke/etc. intentionally goes on indefinitely, with the humor being derived from an audience member eventually having to cut off the speaker in order to formally bring a halt to a performance that technically has no end.

 

The fact that this ‘Longest Joke in the World’ indeed has an end would seem to disqualify it from this category. While it is true that the story does go on for a greatly extended period of time, the emotionally engaging (ie non-joking) bulk of the story is meant to subtly disarm the listener from comedic anticipation, abruptly switching gears for a hilariously and frustratingly simple grammatical joke that comprises the ending. The effectiveness of the story as a whole would be greatly reduced if the hours of oral recitation did not precede it.

 

This being said, the length of performance can conceivably vary greatly to a couple of hours or even a mere 45 minutes. The time spent telling it relies on a number of factors, including how much time is presently available, the patience of the listeners, and the ability of the performer to recount the details in their entirety. However, an extended period of time spent telling the joke is the primary tool that contributes to its effectiveness.

 

See Also:

To read the original ‘complete’ version of this joke, go online in search of ‘The Longest Joke in the World’ via any search engine.

 

The link is included here:

http://www.longestjokeintheworld.com

Calera Pens Severed Testicles Prank

Nationality: USA
Age: 35
Occupation: Cowboy
Residence: Kingsville, TX
Performance Date: 4/01/18
Primary Language: Spanish
Language: English

Tres, a cowboy that has worked on my family’s ancestral ranch for nearly twenty years, illustrated a commonly-occurring prank that occurs during the process of castrating and ear-tagging young cattle (calves) during the summer months.

 

To provide locational context:

The calera pens, where the prank is most likely to take place, is an octagonal dirt arena where calves are let in three to five at a time from an adjacent pen holding around 100 calves in total.

 

At any given time, there tend to be around ten cowboys occupying the pens as to make quick work of the calves that are let in. Clearing out the total queue of calves takes a matter of what usually amounts to three hours.

 

Each round of calves that enters is quickly and methodically dispatched with a combination of lasso-ropes thrown around the calves’ hind legs (preventing them from running and compromising their balance) and a ‘mugger’ who turns the animal on its side and holds it in place. A third cowboy then approaches with a knife to sever the calves’ testicles (since breeding is designated for carefully-selected bulls, clipping young calves keeps both genetics and numbers in check). An ear clipper is then used punches a hole in the calves’ ear that will then be used for placing a plastic numeric identification tag on the calf in a permanent manner.

 

The prank in question involves the cowboy who has just performed the business of cutting off a cow’s testicles, which he now holds in his hands as two bloody balls of flesh.

 

With these in hand, the cowboy will put away his knife and nonchalantly walk up to an unsuspecting co-worker, placing the severed testicles either on their shoulder, in their front pocket, or, in particularly biting cases, down the back of their shirt.

 

The sight of a co-worker reeling in disgust or groaning as they flap the back of a rapidly-untucked shirt is can prompt immediate laughter from bystanders who may not have even seen the perpetrator’s approach, a clear illustration of its familiarity within the pens and a helpful outlet of humor and fun in a workplace that can very quickly become physically punishing and demanding in terms of both high heat indexes and the unpredictability of handling large, frightened animals.

Professor of Logic Joke

Nationality: USA
Age: 20
Occupation: Student
Residence: San Francisco, CA
Performance Date: 4/13/18
Primary Language: English

The following is a narrative joke told to me by a friend, informally called ‘The Professor of Logic.’ On asking me if I had heard it, which I hadn’t, he insisted on telling it.

 

He proceeded to tell it as such:

 

“This guy Chuck goes over to his neighbor, who’s just moved in. He tells him the usual,

“Hi, just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood, what’s your name?”

 The guy’s like “Hi, I’m Jerry.”

 

Eventually they get to what they do. Chuck goes “I’m a plumber.”

The other guy says he’s a professor of logic at a university.

 

Chuck asks him,

“What do you teach?”

“I’m a professor of logic.”

“What do you mean by that?”

 

And the professor says,

“Let me give you an example. Do you have a doghouse?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Well, then I’d assume you have a dog.”

“Yeah.”

 

“Well, you know, when dogs have dog houses, and they live in them, that means you have a few kids, and it’s theirs and they take care of it.”

“I do have kids. Two of ‘em actually.”

 

“Alright, you got kids. That usually means you’re married. To a woman, in most cases.”

“Yeah, I’m married to a woman.

“Well, then you’re a heterosexual male.”

“I am, that’s right.”

 

“Now you see. Just by asking you if you have a doghouse, I was able to determine you’re a heterosexual male.”

Chuck just goes, “Wow! That’s unbelievable.” And he leaves, impressed.

 

The next day, our guy Chuck, the main one, not the professor, he’s hustling to get to the bus stop.

So, he gets there. Sees this guy next to him, he asks him if the bus has already come.

 

“No, it hasn’t.”

Chuck says oh, guess we’ll just have to wait a few minutes, then.

And, uh, the other guy lights up a cigarette and jokingly says “As soon as I light this cigarette, I bet the bus is gonna show up.”

Sure enough, he lights it, and the bus comes around the corner.

 

Chuck, amazed again, asks him if he’s a professor of logic. The guy with the cigarette doesn’t know what that means, he asks Chuck to explain.

 

Chuck doesn’t quite know how, and he says,

“Here, let me give you an example.”

“Sure, what”

“You have a doghouse?”

“No.”

“Oh, you must be one of them gays!”

 

This joke is interesting in its mix of initially intriguing intelligence (regarding the professor of logic’s deductive reasoning) that is later subverted by the stupidity of a person who has completely misinterpreted the meaning of what he’s learned, made only clear with the last line. Given its relative lengthiness in needing to be told over the course of one or two full minutes, the building leading into the final punchline is provided a greater level of anticipation given the relative lack of humorous bits leading up to it. This serves to create a complex, but highly example of a classic punchline-based joke where the sum of the humor is comprised of an ending that only works as a result of the lines that come before it.

I Love Food quip

Nationality: USA
Age: 25
Occupation: Radio
Residence: Nashville, TN
Performance Date: 4/16/18
Primary Language: English

The following is a brief quip taken from a cousin preceding a group excursion to lunch in rural Tennessee.

 

On deciding where to go, the driver of the car asked what kind of food everyone wanted. To which my cousin replied:

 

“I love food. I eat it every day.”

 

*Some quiet laughter from a few people*

 

“Sometimes more than once.”

 

*loud laughter ensues from the entire group*

 

This joke signifies the familiarity with the ‘Rule of Threes’ in comedy, being that joke structure is often comprised of three stages. Different than a simple punchline joke, where a concluding line of humor is preceded by seemingly non-humorous buildup, this tiered structure makes use of increasingly funny quips that build off of each other to make a whole. While the third tier is similar to a punchline, the buildup consists entirely of humor, rather than a lack of it.

 

To only do two would be too little an effort (as reflected by the lack of laughs at first), and presumably, four would be an unnecessary excess. Similar to that of Goldilocks, the rule of threes naturally feels ‘just right.’

 

In this case, it twisted the subject matter of the core necessary activities for human survival: eating, and the standard of having three meals a day. By suggesting this daily necessity as a pleasurable matter of choice, the joker turned the most general of logic into a humorous

Friendships Toast

Nationality: USA
Age: 20 (all)
Occupation: Students
Residence: Austin, TX
Performance Date: 2/17/18
Primary Language: English

The following is a toast collected from a group of five friends who recite a pledge aimed at their longstanding mutual friendship. The pledge is performed during communal games involving alcohol, particularly ‘beer pong’ which is played between teams of two along the ends of a tall rectangular table.

 

The rules and practice of said game do not apply to the situation of the toast besides the table on which the game is played, which plays an integral and symbolic part to the performance of the toast. Therefore, the rules of the game will not be explained further outside of any direct relation to the proceedings of the toast.

 

The context of the situation proceeds as such:

The five friends gather around a handmade table constructed from available and basic wood materials. The table itself is kept at the host participant’s home, whose name has been excluded. While the participant is not the exclusive host to every party, each use of the table and recital of the toast is reserved to his home.

 

While there is no designated time during these parties for the toast to occur, it often falls after a few rounds of initial play of any alcohol-centered games, where everyone will have had at least one turn playing and thus have ingested sufficient amounts of alcohol to be slightly intoxicated at the very least.

 

At this point, each member of the group gathers around the table. The toast itself goes as follows:

 

(recited altogether)

“There are good ships, there are wood ships. There are ships that sail the sea. But the best ships, are friendships. So here’s to you and me!”

 

Each member of the group then simultaneously taps their beer can on the table and raises it up to drink. While raising their drinks, everyone together says (with less intensity)

 

“Down with Hitler.”

 

Each member then drinks until satisfied.

 

The pledge itself is a cheerful acknowledgment of the mutual bonds of friendship between each participant, and for the group as a whole. The concluding mention of “Down with Hitler” serves as a humorous reference to the host participant’s Jewish heritage, serving as a sarcastic assurance of false machismo that underlines the lightheartedness of the toast itself.

 

The table on which the toast is centered is constructed with dimensions of around 8 feet-by-2 feet and standing at waist height. Its top is painted with horizontal stripes of blue, green, yellow, and red, giving it a vibrant and outstanding place in the room.

 

Written in permanent marker across the top of the table are the words to the toast itself, along with various doodles such as star-bound rockets and bizarre imaginary creatures.

 

The names of each participant, accompanied by self-applied nicknames (often overly elaborate and nonsensical, otherwise only a vague relation to a defining characteristic of each person) meant to be referenced in an exclusively ironic manner.

 

These nicknames include:

 

Dr. Dreidel

A play on the stage name of popular rapper Dr. Dre and a reference to the participant’s Jewish faith.

 

Dookie Prada-G

The second part of the name a reference towards rappers’ tendencies to reference high-end clothing brands in their music in public image, itself a play on the word ‘prodigy’ despite Trevor’s complete lack of a musical background.

 

The other names of MC Betty, The Mist, and Boogiewitz 3000 are intentionally nonsensical, unrelated to the participant’s real names in any way. Thus, their humor is derived from this very nature of having no connection whatsoever to their makers.