Tag Archives: death

Death Anniversaries

AGE

45

Date of performance

4/30/25

Language

English

Nationality

American

Occupation

Teacher’s Aid

Primary Language

Arabic

Residence

San Diego, CA

Ritual: Funerals, 40 days post death, and the 1-year anniversary

Context + Text: The individual is my mother, and she in an American immigrant from Iraq. I have learned many rituals following the death of people form my community, but the most interesting one’s stem from my mom. According to her, when an individual has passed away, if you are close to them, you are not allowed to leave the house for “happy” things for 40 days. Also, during those days, you should be wearing all black every day. “It’s for sure an interesting ritual we all follow, and it’s even different if you are super close to the individual, as the time period rises to one year instead of just 40 days”. On the 40th day since the death, the same individuals who were there for the funeral gather again to remember them, having a second funeral essentially. For family members, there is then another remembrance on the 1-year anniversary. (It is important to note that one year equals 11 months in this culture for historic reasons). “So, for me my father-in-law had passed away, and I did not attend any celebrations for one year and only wore black, I had to buy so many new clothes”, she continued. While it may be a little over the top, she believes that the new generation will slowly let these rituals die out as they are too much.

Analysis: The revering of the dead has been a tradition for centuries, stemming back to ancient civilizations, especially in the middle east. The individual and her family come from a long line of Iraqis who have held onto these ancient traditions revolving around the dead. Various religions and cultures have adopted similar rituals, as they believe that the one-year anniversary marks a significant period of time to mourn the individual. However, the rituals have subjective ‘guidelines’ as in who must participate in the one-year mourning. This creates all sorts of issues within small communities as they believe that some individuals should be mourning longer or not mourning at all, judging their closeness to the dead person. If an individual is seen celebrating or partying a little too early following the individual’s death, it can be considered disrespect by the family members, and has led to divisions between families and friends.  

Jewish Funeral/Death/Graveyard Rituals/Traditions

Nationality: Israeli-American
Age: 17
Occupation: High School Student
Residence: Bellevue, Washington
Language: English

Text:

Jewish funerals don’t use coffins and instead the body is just buried in the ground. The purpose of this is to return the body to the ground where it came from. Gravestones are lying down on the ground over the body. The ten commandments on two stones are placed where the head of the person would be. The graves all face Jerusalem. There is a lit candle at the back of the grave that symbolizes their soul. For seven days after the death (called the shiva), the entire family sits in the house of the deceased. They don’t work and don’t cook but just share stories of the person. The door is meant to always be open so that neighbors can come in to bring food and hear stories. The full mourning period is thirty days where there are other restrictions such as not shaving.

For graveyards, you always have to exit in a different way than how you entered, otherwise the spirits will follow you out. When someone visits a grave, they find a rock to leave as a gift to the deceased.

Context:

The informant is from an Orthodox Jewish family. They heard a lot of these traditions/rituals from their parents and the community around them or from visiting the graves of their family members. The Informant said they haven’t experienced a shiva before but that they regret missing it for their recently deceased grandmother. The informant likes the concept of the shiva because it is a celebration of life and remembering a person rather than being sad. They also like the graveyard ritual of leaving a different way than how you entered because it is fun, not because they believe in ghosts. The informant said that as a kid, they would paint rocks to gift to their deceased family members as a way to commemorate the things they remembered about the person.

Analysis:

The placement of gravestones on top of the body could be interpreted as them keeping the person in the ground. As the culture also is afraid of spirits following a person out of a graveyard then it is not impossible that there could also be a fear of someone rising out of the ground. Putting the person in the ground without a coffin and pointing them towards Jerusalem likely both have religious significance. A person might not be able to rest in Jewish culture unless they have no barrier between them and the Earth. Jerusalem is the promised land to Jewish people so pointing them towards the most significant place within the religion might be to help the spirit back to there in death.

The shiva is a community building event. By creating an expectation for a family to not work or cook, it forces neighbors to come by and support them. Leaving the door open means that everyone is welcome. Community has to come together in times of mourning and it makes it impossible for someone to grieve alone or for someone to die without community remembrance. The shiva is also a time for celebration rather than just sadness. Remembering a person by talking about stories and good memories helps people to feel a sense of resolution rather than tragedy. The seven day period blocks out specific time that is meant for mourning/celebration, giving the community time to process rather than forcing people to move on without working through their emotions. The longer thirty day mourning period likely acts as a reminder of who has been lost and honoring their death through daily actions. The informant felt like they had missed out on part of the mourning process because they missed a shiva, showing its importance for the processing of emotions in family members of the deceased.

Leaving a rock on the grave of someone deceased acts as a way to leave them a gift as well as a way to keep them in your mind. The visitor is meant to find the rock as they go to visit a person’s grave so they have to think about the person and what they might want. The informant mentioned how they found this to be a fun tradition, especially as a child, as it was a way to engage with death through memory and love rather than grief.

Leaving the graveyard in a different way than how you entered is an example of apotropaic magic as well as a prohibitive action. Entering and exiting the same way could bring on something bad but by changing something when you exit, you protect yourself from harm. Death is a scary concept so many people would want to protect themselves from harm while leaving a place that is full of it.

Pagpag – Filipino Funeral Custom

Nationality: Filipino
Age: 51
Occupation: IT Help Desk
Residence: Naperville, IL
Language: Tagalog

Text:

“Pagpag” in Tagalog translates to “Dust off”

“If you go to a wake/funeral, you shouldn’t go straight home. You have to go and stop by somewhere else – for example a coffee shop, mall, or restaurant.”

Context:

The performer didn’t experience this tradition until his Lolo died, and it he never really questioned it, because it was common for his Filipino relatives to eat after any gathering. It was something the people he grew up with just understood. He grew up in the Philippines (rural Luzon) until he was 8, then moved to America where his family still followed this tradition.

“That way you wouldn’t bring death to the household. If there is a ghost that latches on from the funeral home or just death in general, you don’t want it to follow you home. You don’t just go to a place and drive by, you have to stop and spend some time there.” “In the Philippines, there weren’t really places to go before going home. Now whenever we go to a funeral, we do Pag pag.”

Analysis:

Pagpag is rooted in spirital folk belief of liminality: the belief that events such as death and spiritally charged and potentially dangerous. By not going home right away, people seek to disrupt the path of wandering spirits and ensure their household won’t become haunted. This ties into Filipino animism and folk Catholicism which is a blend of indigenous spiritual beleifs and Catholic concepts of afterlife (brought over in the 1500s by Spanish colonizers).

Another great value of Filipinos is community. By avoiding going home right away, this practice also forces community through shared mourning and offers emotional decompression after an emotionally taxing event. Even if it’s not tied to superstition and the fear of vengeful spirits, societies tend to pact together after devastation just to cheer each other up as it’s human nature which has been passed down across generations.

Tears to Cheers…?

Age: 26

Story: “I know this isn’t a tradition or ritual that is unique to me, but it’s something that I’ve experienced a lot, and it’s always weirded me out. But how come after funerals, there’s always like a big party or dinner? Every funeral I’ve ever been to, like for both my grandparents, for my uncle, and for my parent’s friends, there has always been something like a dinner or celebration afterwards. And all the tears that were shed turned into laughter and reminiscing. I’ll be honest, it’s super sweet seeing everyone get together and share memories of those who passed, but I never understood why. I’m 26 now, so I think I grasp the sentiment and significance a little bit more of celebrating the life and memories of someone you lost. But to be completely honest, when I was in middle and high school, I was always like ‘I was just bawling my eyes out and now we have to go to this restaurant and everyone’s gonna drink?” I thought it was super weird, but I am starting to understand.”

Analysis: This reflection offers a real and honest glimpse into the cultural and folkloric significance of post-funeral gatherings, revealing how ritual serves both communal and emotional functions. This person’s evolving perspective reflects a common perspective in cultures where mourning is followed by celebration. These post-funeral meals act as informal, yet deeply meaningful rituals where storytelling, shared food, and collective memory help process loss and reaffirm social bonds. This person’s initial discomfort, particularly as a kid, highlights how rituals can feel dissonant when their symbolic meanings are not yet fully understood. Yet, their growing awareness at age 26 reflects how rituals often gain meaning over time, especially as individuals experience more loss and maturity. While hearing this story, I had realized that I had the same experience with funerals growing up, and I completely understand where this person is coming from. Post dinner/party funerals are really weird, but as I got older, they started to mean a lot to me. This story shows how ritual practices surrounding death are not just about mourning the absence of a person, but about sustaining their presence through living memory.

Spirit Visit Dream

Age: 32
Occupation: Unemployed
Residence: San Francisco, CA
Language: English

Text:

“The night after my father passed away, I vividly remember seeing him in my dream. I had dreamed that I was climbing the inside of the Statue of Liberty, and halfway through the climb, I saw my father sitting on a bench. I approached him and sat next to him; all he said was two words: ‘keep going,’ and then he disappeared. That night, I believe he was visiting me before his reincarnation, reminding me to be strong after his passing and to not lose sight of my goals.”

Context:

The informant, P, shared this memorate during a heartfelt conversation surrounding grief and the intense emotions felt following the passing of a loved one. P explained that her experience occurred the night after the passing of her father, when she had a vivid dream in which her late father appeared. She believes this was not just a dream, but a real encounter with her father, who wanted to grant her strength before his reincarnation. To P, this dream provided her with emotional comfort during a difficult period of transition.

Analysis:

This is a memorate because it is telling a personal, supernatural experience that P believes to be real. Since the dream happened the night after the passing of P’s father, it occurred during a liminal period of emotional vulnerability and grief. The climbing of the Statue of Liberty reflects a journey of personal growth, and her brief conversation with her father helps provide her with both emotional closure and spiritual guidance. Her belief that her father was visiting her before his reincarnation reveals deeper cultural and spiritual beliefs about the afterlife. This memorate shows how dreams can help people cope and find guidance after the difficult transition of losing a loved one.